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Writer's pictureSusan Keating

People Pleasing will exhaust you!

Updated: Oct 27



Many people arrive at coaching sessions feeling exhausted and close to burnout, often unaware of the toll work, life, and societal expectations have taken on them. This struggle isn’t confined to a particular age, career level, or gender; burnout can affect early careerists, mid-career professionals, and executives alike. Many share a common self-belief system that drives them into exhaustion, sapping their energy and enthusiasm.


In a fast-paced world filled with pressure to achieve more, faster, and better, it’s easy to link self-worth with productivity. For those who identify as people-pleasers, this challenge becomes even more complex, as they find themselves drained by a pattern of constantly serving others’ needs.

If this resonates with you, here are some insights and actionable steps to recognise people-pleasing behaviours, understand your motivations, and regain control over your time and energy.

 

Identifying People-Pleasing Behaviours

People-pleasing can manifest in various ways, including:

  • Difficulty saying “no.”

  • Feeling guilty when refusing requests.

  • Being overly concerned with others’ perceptions.

  • Fearing rejection or judgment when turning people down.

  • Agreeing to things you dislike or do not wish to do.

  • Craving approval and validation from others.

  • Apologising excessively and taking responsibility for others’ mistakes.

  • Sacrificing your own needs and never having free time.

  • Pretending to agree with others to avoid conflict.

People-pleasers are often empathetic, thoughtful, and caring qualities that, while positive, can be accompanied by a need for approval or a desire to over achieve. The key to breaking free from this exhausting cycle lies in acknowledging these patterns and moving towards a healthier mindset.

 

A Word of Comfort to People-Pleasers

You do not need to abandon kindness or thoughtfulness. These qualities strengthen relationships and create positive connections. Continue being kind, but on your terms. True kindness is selfless and not rooted in seeking approval or reward.

 

Reflect on Your Motivations, Self-Beliefs, and Intentions

Self-reflection is critical in understanding the behaviours that lead to people-pleasing. Start by asking yourself:

  • Why am I doing this?

  • Why did I agree to something I wanted to refuse?

  • Am I acting out of fear of rejection or conflict?

  • Do I seek others’ approval more than my own satisfaction?

This reflection is not about self-criticism; approach yourself with compassion. By observing your thoughts and motivations, you gain insight into the changes you may need to make.

 

Practical Steps to Break Free from People-Pleasing


1. Start Small

Breaking patterns requires gradual change. Begin with small steps to assert yourself and set boundaries. For instance, start by declining minor requests, expressing your opinions on low-stakes topics, or asking for something you need. Practising in manageable situations, such as declining a salesperson’s pitch or voicing your opinion in casual conversations, will build your confidence to set boundaries in larger contexts.


2. Establish Boundaries

Knowing your limits and communicating them is essential. Be specific about what you are willing to take on and stay firm if someone requests too much. Establish clear time limits, such as only taking calls at certain times, to give you control over how and when you assist others.


3. Set Goals and Prioritise

Define where you wish to invest your energy. Consider your personal and professional goals to determine if a particular task or favour aligns with them. When you know your priorities, it becomes easier to say “no” to what does not serve you.


4. Practice Positive Self-Talk

When you feel tempted to say “yes” to avoid disappointment or conflict, remind yourself that your time is valuable. Affirm that your goals matter and that it is reasonable to preserve your energy for things that genuinely bring you joy.


5. Stall for Time

If asked for a favour, give yourself time to evaluate before committing. Taking a pause not only ensures that you have considered the request but also improves decision-making by reducing impulsivity.

Consider questions like:

  • How much time will this require?

  • Do I genuinely want to do this?

  • Am I currently too stressed to take this on?

This short pause allows you to respond thoughtfully and on your terms.


6. Assess the Request

Watch for signs that others may be taking advantage of your generosity. Some people may consistently ask for help without offering support in return. If this pattern emerges, be assertive and make clear that your time and assistance are not unlimited.


7. Avoid Making Excuses

When you decide to say “no,” do so without excuses. Providing explanations can give others an opportunity to argue or adjust their request. Be clear, concise, and firm—remember, “no” is a complete sentence.


8. Remember Relationships Require Reciprocity

Healthy relationships involve a balance of give and take. If you constantly find yourself giving while others take, consider whether this dynamic truly benefits you. A one-sided relationship can be draining, and it’s reasonable to expect mutual support.

 

Seek Professional Support

If people-pleasing affects your well-being, consulting a mental health professional can provide invaluable guidance. Therapists can help you manage people-pleasing behaviours, prioritise your needs, and establish healthier boundaries for a balanced life.

 

A Final Note on Personal and Career Growth

At OneLife, we believe that personal fulfilment and professional growth are deeply interconnected. When you invest in self-awareness and set boundaries, you foster a healthier relationship with work and with others. By honouring your needs and cultivating resilience, you lay the foundation for sustained career success and personal well-being.


Take charge of your journey, one small step at a time.


 

 

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